Wednesday, November 28, 2012

But she started it.........

Fellas,
Even when its not you.... It has to be you first. Over the last few years of my life I have been in several situations where at least in my mind I was not the one wrong. At the end of the day I had to decide which was more important between me being right or the peace returning to the situation. Arguments and disagreements can cause some serious tension between loved ones. The fact that the parties involved can call each other loved ones suggest that there is invested emotion and intimacy in the relationship. This alone adds to the heat of the battle at hand. At some point in this intense fellowship (arguing), facts and specifics go out the window and if you are not careful what develops is an emotional battle. Each party feeling a certain way about the situation, usually different, begin to either stand their ground or just decide not to deal with it all together. Both of which becomes dangerous to the situation. Standing your ground can sometimes display an insensitive approach to the other party involved. For some a feeling of inadequacy comes in and for others could be a myriad of other emotions. This often takes the appearance of a lot of finger pointing and accusing. Usually the accused can liken this experience to an attack. This is increasingly dangerous because of its nature in itself. When you continue to attack an enemy one of a few things will happen. The enemy will either attack back, retreat or die. Neither of which is acceptable for a healthy relationship . To not deal with it all together suggest that the other parties feelings are not worth your time. While I agree that some battles are just not worth fighting, when it comes to a loved one nothing should be taboo of conversation. To disregard places the entire ordeal in the others lap and says deal with it. Both attitudes are insensitive and can be very detrimental to the relationship. The Bible teaches us to deal with each other in love. Love is never disregarding. In both common approaches to an argument, disregard is present. Any disagreement should end with understanding and agreement. Sometimes this is not an easy place to reach in particularly when both parties are adamant in their regards. This is why relationships are work. There is no cookie cutter solution for problem solving within a relationship, but there has to be understanding. When one party is either not talking, or doing all the talking, understanding has no place to set up shop. Understanding has no foundation without compassion. Compassion in a relationship is vital.
When things are not right in a relationship it is unfair not to address it. How and when you address these things is an art that no man or woman has mastered. It is almost inevitable that one day you will get it wrong. We have to make sure that even though our approach was off that we don't continue in that path. A quick recovery is wise. Calm the situation. I am learning the hard way that texting and email are not always effective methods of communicating this kind of need. Your tone or mood can be difficult to read. Even though a straight to the point soft toned approach in person may be effective, those same words when typed will almost always come across as an attack. Gentlemen, NO ONE LIKES TO BE ATTACKED!
Be prepared to be apologetic. SERIOUSLY....Don't just say I'm sorry. Some where in this process you were wrong. Conduct a personal inventory and find that wrong or in many cases the multiple offenses and make them right. In many cases (more than not) you are going to be the one to apologize first. This is not a weakness men, even though it may feel like you are giving in. In all honesty you are setting a tone. This is a mark of leadership. It says to the atmosphere that the fighting is over. It removes the Devil from the situation and begins the peace restoration process. Yes it is submissive. True it is humiliating. It is supposed to be. When the man reacts in order it sets the tone for the atmospheric response. It moves you back into the favor of God, because you have submitted to peace. You have allowed peace of God to rule. Collosians 3:15. There are several scriptures that come to mind in regards to peace. The book of Proverbs hold a few of them listed here: 11:12, 12:20, 17:28. When your objective is to restore peace and reach a resolution to what ever the issue is, this is the way to go.